#10. Aunt Patty is Going on a Cruise

a nephew skypes his cruise-happy aunt

“So what are you up to, Aunt Patty?”

“I'm going on another cruise!”

I remained silent (but in my mind was Bill Murray's voice blandly saying, “What a shock,” when he learns that Ned Ryerson sells insurance.)

“In two weeks!” she continued.

-Alaska or Mazatlan?

-Oh, Alaska. I like that cruise. I've done it so many times! But this is just a seven day trip. Robert is picking me up on Friday to take me to Seattle.

-Is your boyfriend going too?

-What boyfriend?

-The guy you met on your Cabo trip from, where is it, Boston?

-Philadelphia

-Ha! Right. Don't pretend you don't have a boyfriend, Aunt Patty.

-He's not my boyfriend. But he sure is persistent. I don't know why; I'm 83 years old!

-How old is he?

-83. He's a month younger than me.

-Didn't you say he's Irish? That's why I guessed Boston.

-He's Irish-American. He was born in America, but his name is very Irish.

-Paddy O'Brien?

-His name is John. I don't remember his last name.

-O'Shaughnessey? O'Connor? Kelly?

-I don't remember.

-Oh, sure you don't!

-He's taking a cruise in June. Mine's in May. He says why can't I wait and go on his cruise?

-Why can't you?

-Noooo. I don't want to fly to Florida. Anyway, he got covid real bad and missed his last cruise out of Seattle. He came all the way over here, took the test and was positive! Princess put him up for two weeks in a hotel. He had to stay inside the whole time and get his food delivered. Princess paid for everything, and then they sent him back to Philadelphia.

I didn't ask if he'd been jabbed; Aunt Patty had already told me you can't get on the boat if you're not jabbed. So John was just another fully-jabbed, vax-covid victim. Pointing out the obvious irony would be useless, so I asked, “How about you, aunt Patty? Do you have your boosters?”

-I got my fourth shot last Friday.

I didn't say anything but she looked at my face and said, “You shush!”

Patty knows that unlike my entire West-Coast-Covidian family, I and my wife and kids have not gotten the jab, and we never intend to. (I would say, “and we never will,” but aunt Patty probably thinks I might come to my senses and take the clot-shot someday if push comes to shove.)

-So you're set to go? All clear?

-No! I still have to take the test. You have to have a PCR within two days of the cruise. It's really strict!

And then I noticed it. I probably wouldn't have if she hadn't mentioned her 4th jab, but I swear I couldn't see the color in her eyes. OK, it was a skype call and might have been a lighting issue, combined with a cheap camera on her computer, over a mediocre band-width internet line, but still, it was a little freaky. Aunt Patty has beautiful, light-blue eyes but I couldn't make out any color in the iris. I thought of that eerie video of the 'covid-baby' with the black eyes. I thought of Dave Grohl's eyes that turn black in that satanic video that the Foo Fighters put out two weeks before the drummer's death (no cause given). I thought of those pictures of blood-color comparisons- the red bag of regular blood and the purple-black of the jab-tainted blood.

“This week I'm supposed to get my medallion,” continued Aunt Patty.

-Your what?

-My medallion. Have you hear of the Princess Medallion service?

-Princess Medallion?

-Princess Cruises has this Medallion service where you can wear a medallion and then you use it to get things, like you use it for the shops, and extra services, like massages and getting your nails done and things. And you need it to get on the ship, and it opens your room door. You have to have the medallion app too. Robert helped me with that.

-So it's like a door key and a credit card?

-Yes, but it's really convenient because you just wear it and forget about it. You can do all kinds of things with it. If you want a drink, you order it on the app and they will know where to bring it because you're wearing your medallion. You can go to the movie and they will bring your wine to your seat!

-Does wine go with popcorn?

-Oh shush! I need my medallion when I go to the wine tasting. It's twelve dollars if you are not an elite member. But it's free for me, because I'm an elite member. But now I don't have to show them my elite card. I used to have to show the card to get the free wine tasting.

-But now you have to show them your medallion.

-Yes, but you wear it. They just scan it on your necklace or bracelet. I chose the bracelet.

-Not the necklace?

-No.

-Do they have medallion earrings?

-I don't know. They might. Wait a sec. Let me check...They have a lanyard, a pendant, a clip, and a bracelet.

-And they can keep track of where you are all over the ship, and what you're ordering and your account balance and stuff?

-Yeah, it's all part of the medallion service. It's really convenient.

-Is it required?

-I think so. They have to do contact tracing. So if everyone has their medallion, they can do that.

-What if you lose your medallion or drop it in the toilet or something?

-Oh, I think they can get you a new one. There are a lot of old people on the ship.

-I don't know; lost medallions might be kind of a hassle. And it might be dangerous if some old fart is wandering around rogue.

-Don’t say ‘fart’.

-OK. If a nice, elderly gentleman doesn’t have his homing device, how can they contact trace? Why don't they just cut to the chase and do the implantable RFID, like Sweden?

-Do the what?

-The chip! Put a microchip in your hand. No need to worry about losing your medallion. It's in the chip! Princess Microchip Medallion!

-Oh, you shush!